November 19, 2008

• Ending A Relationship….

  An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life…He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil — he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego. The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.” They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

  When I read this for the first time, every hair on my body stood on end.  I have hated my real father for a long time.  I use to love him so much as a child and always tried to please him and make him proud of me.  A very hard and thankless task that, to this day, can interfere with my ability to interact with my Husband.  My father was an abusive man that beat his children for any petty reason.  I learned to adjust and survive, to avoid and anticipate his mood changes.  I learned how to become invisible.  I also learned that sometimes that I had to take the brunt of his abuse to protect my little sisters.   After he beat my middle sister so severely that her back was black and blue and bleeding, I started saying I was the one who had done whatever.  My sister got that beating because she pulled too much toilet paper off the roll (we were suppose to only use two section, folded together, then folded in half for each wipe) and hid the excess toilet paper behind the tub.  My Mother has tried for years to get me to forgive him so that I could let go of the hate.  Hate, she said, that was hurting me more than it would ever hurt him.  He died.  He had a massive heart attack and I was pissed that it was quick since I wanted him to die a long and painful death for the damage that he had done in his lifetime.  Forgiving him would almost be like saying that the damage and hurt he had inflicted was forgivable.  I can NEVER forgive the abuse he inflicted!  But the quote led me down a path along with some other stuff going on in my life this summer that has finally allowed me to end this love/hate relationship with my dead father.  I will NEVER forgive the abuse but I can forgive the man for being a stupid idiot that was so short-sighted that he could not see that he had three little girls that thought he was the most handsome man on this earth and loved him in spite of all his shortcomings.  I even forgive him for not having the natural intelligence to recognize that he lost something along the way besides alienating potential kidney donators.  Maybe it was easier to forgive him once he was no longer able to ask for forgiveness, especially since he didn’t even feel the need while he was alive.  With him being dead…….my negative feelings were not going to have any impact on his Life…he was dead!  So now I can look back on that part of my life and instead of feeling hatred, I now feel sorrow and pity for a man that missed the love and respect that only children bestow in such unconditional quantities and disgust for his inability to get pass his me, me, me attitude to even appreciate the fact that his life had some major holes in it.  Hatred is such a strong emotion where sorrow, pity, and even disgust are such minor emotions compared to Hatred.  I have so much more positive things to devote my attentions to especially with Thanksgiving just around the corner and the family is starting to gather to my house again.  Jessie and Alex are already here and my grandson is already bringing the joy only children bring to a home.  I am so blessed! 

  • 1:45 am
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