February 13, 2008

• Catching Up......

  I have been very busy with kids, husband, and being sick myself.  I absolutely hate stomach flu of any kind.  I hate vomiting since the very act of vomiting makes me vomit......almost a never ending cycle.  Thankfully I do stop vomiting after there is nothing left in the stomach to vomit though vomiting bile is not my favorite pasttime, it does signal that the end is near.  Heather was released from the hospital 11 days ago and is residing on the trundle bed in the living room due to running out of beds and spaces for everyone.  Her husband is still out in the camper during the night and any time he wants to get away from any of us......lucky guy!  My youngest daughter, Jessica, is getting ready to sign a lease later this day in North Carolina preparing to relocate down there and be awaiting her husbands return.  She will be returning home to finish packing and then will start the big move not this weekend but next weekend.  Orginally, her sister and her were going to get a house together but for some reason they did not want to rent a 3 bedroom house to a two household combination that includes 2 couples and a 15 month boy.  Part of the problem was that Heather still lives here and her job is still here so they do not want to lease to someone out of state.  It does not matter that she is willing to pay her half even if she is not in residence since if she signs the lease, it is her obligation to pay her share.  Now Jessica has the problem of getting her stuff from here and out of storage there into her new home.  I can foresee Mom and Dad having to come up with the solution......again.  This time it is really going to hurt since it is really going to hit our wallets just as we are getting ahead.  Never seems to fail, everytime everything seems to be full steam ahead, some sort of problem rises out of nowhere.  Oh well, it will seem a small price to pay in the long run if I can get my house back again.  Messy Jessie will now have her own house to herself and no one to clean up after her but herself.  Jen's Tim is renting a house for them prior to their marriage though Jen is still going to live here until they are married.  The good thing is that she is going to move some of her Stuff into the new place prior to the marriage......here is where I do the happy dance.  Jen's Stuff is forever creeping out of her room and down the hallway not matter how much I rant and rave.  Every so often, I break down and clean it ......but I really, really resent having to do it.  After all, Jen is 21 years old....a little old for Mommy to have to keep cleaning up after her.  And.....there is Heather!  Sick.....yes....but a pain in the butt too.  When she moved in the camper it was to be for a month, two at the most.  It was to save money so they could move so I did not object to absorbing the cost of the electricty to the camper or the electricity to pump the extra water or pay for the extra water to be drawn in due to unforseen drought conditions in our county.  I did not even squawk about the electricity used to for the pool that was put up or the water used to clean it since afterall.....we did enjoy the pool.  But it still cost and Dad and I were the ones to pay.  One to two month has gone to over 6 months now and since they will now have to get their own house separate from Jessie and James, I have no deadline to look forward to.  I love my children ...do not get me wrong and I am going to miss my grandson, Alex, something terrible.....but I raised my children to fly....away from home to make their own nests to call home.  I was down to one and then they started coming back home.  I got a taste of freedom after raising children for over 34 years and I liked it.  Jen would visit Tim's parents home and spend the night so I got to feel what an empty nest felt like and I LIKED IT!!!!!  I felt like I got to be Janice and I got to put her first for a change.  I got to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it and did not have to check with everyone else to see if it fit in with their schedules.  And I did not have to put up with snide remarks and smart mouths.  My kids are all adults now and it is not like I can send them home since they are in MY HOME.  When I read Amy's blog, I sure identified on how when you confront them about the mess and disrespect how they try to turn it around that you do not clean and are on the computer all the time.  NEWS FLASH!  Not my mess....Not my Job.  As for being on the computer........seeing it is my greatest pleasure and I pay for it.....I think I am ENTITLED to spend as much time as often as I want.  The last time I checked, this was MY HOUSE AND THE BILLS ARE PAID BY US.  And while I am on a roll, I am getting sick and tired of being accused of yelling.....nevermind screaming...when I get mad.  I do have a hearing deficiency involving the lower sounds which causes me to pitch my voice differently than when I was younger before I learned to dance in front of the huge speakers at the bars and clubs.  Actually what happens when I get mad is that I do raise my voice a notch at a time as the situation heats up on both sides but my voice will develop an edge to it.  I do not know if it is the military training or what, but I have a very carrying voice and I do not have to raise my voice very much to be heard over a crowd.  In fact, I am often the one that brings things to order when they have someone that does not have that voice of command.  Most of the time, all I have to say is "Excuse Me" and everyone quiets down.  It pisses me off to no end when I get accused of yelling and/or screaming when I am not.  I have even gone to the extreme of giving them demonstrations of what a raised voice sounds like, what yelling sounds like, and what screaming sounds like.......three very distinctive sounds.  I just love how things will get heated and we now have two family members that have develolped an new wrinkle in manipulation.  My Husband and my daughter Heather will be involved in a disagreement with one of the family.....not necessarily me.....and when it reaches the point where both are starting to yell, they stop and assume an air of distain and ask why are you yelling.  That would be okay if they would let the other person actually state WHY they were yelling .....but no.....they then refuse to talk with you until you lower your voice.  Of course, this tactic only works if they use it first.  We are a very vocal family and use our voices to express ourselves.  To be angry and not show it in our voices is like tying our hands down since we talk with our hands too.  In fact, if I am very angry and I talk in a calm, measured voice........run while you can ....since it actually signifies that I am beyond angry and am now dangerous.  I do not usually reach that stage since by raising my voice a notch I am expressing my irritation and anger so it is not trapped inside me....sort of like a steam valve.  I have given myself permission to cry and to get angry a long time ago after I realized the damage it did to me by keeping it bottled up.  So I am going to get angry Heather when you insinuate that I am accepting second best because I did not leave my Husband because he cheated on me for the first time in eighteen years.  Telling me that you would leave a cheating husband is fine.....but my answer to you is still the same.  I said the same thing until my Husband cheated on me.........and I realized that I still loved him and he did not leave and has tried to make it up to me for the "mistake" that he made.  He has stated over and over again that if he had it all over to do again......he would not have cheated.  I do not hold men to a different standard but I do not judge them by a man's standard either.  I am a woman and I judged him by a woman's heart and mind....not just the mind.  Why would I leave, when it is in his arms I want to be.....I love him.  And for you to keep pressuring me in my own home was disrespectful since you were living under our roof at the time.  I refuse to be forced to go to my own room to get away when I repeatedly told you that until something like this happened to you, you really can only speculate what you would do.  You might find that you would do something entirely different when you are faced with the cold reality of the situation.  Originally, I was going to just let this go but I can feel the resentment building within me so I decided to release some of the anger and disappointment too.   Drama..maybe, but if feels more like me standing up for myself.  I have always respected you in your own home and I expect the same respect to be returned to me. 

  • 4:53 am
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