August 26, 2007

• Tonight seems to be a crying night for me.  I have tried to deal with the pain and disillusionment my Husband's unfaithfulness since the anniversary of my discovering his betrayal.  I had no time or energy during the first year since all my energies were focused on saving my marriage and family.  Now........the pain is starting to eat its way out of the hidden place I placed it so that I could even function.  Songs take on an entire different meaning to me now.  Last weekend, I finally let him see just an inkling of the pain that he has given me and I don't think he even has a clue!  I love him but his actions have changed me and I am still dealing with the ripple effects never mind the fact that I haven't actually dealt with graphic details of his infidelity.  I understand that he had unusual circumstances putting pressure on him ........but am I just trying to find excuses for him?  I knew we were having troubles in our marriage and at the time, I didn't know where it was orginating from or why.  I went to him.......let's try to find our way through our troubles and find a middle ground to find a solution that we both can be happy with.  Stupid Me!!!!  He went to someone else.......someone he says told him everything he wanted to hear and I was not saying.  I asked him what did she say that would make you think that you could walk away and lose your family and that you would be alright with that.  He will not tell me!  I really want to know.  I really need to know!  Was she telling him lies that she could not fulfill to get him away from us?  I do not think a wife should lie to her Husband and that she is there to be his helpmate.  As his wife, he should be glad that I say the things that he needs to hear even if he does not want to hear them most of the time.....like our grown children have issues with him, money problems, day to day challenges.   If he had such a need for certain words to be said......try communicating once in a while.  I need to come full circle in dealing with damaged part of my life....dreams...hopes...future....and I need the truth from him no matter how much it hurts me since I have a need to build my Life on Truth and not on Lies.  I deserve the Truth so that I can pick the right path for my soul to travel.  I have always told my girls and sons too for that matter, you do not leave until you do not love them anymore.  Until then, you fight for your love and keep trying to find a way to work through the difficulties that marriage can bring.  I need the Truth and he is withholding it from me.   This is not a good thing and my soul cries tears of fire that burn when they are shed.  I am having trouble putting my "Happy Face" on tonight........so I am allowing myself to be unhappy and cry....I wish I could share my unhappiness with my Husband so he just might reassure me but, unfortunately, his guilt makes it where he gets defensive and then angry that I can not just "let it go".   I don't want to deal with it that way....I can't!  I have to understand first and I have too many unanswered questions still.  But .....I am dealing with it and what does not kill me, will make me stronger.......though I do not understand just why I need to be this strong.  So ....to bed I go, to snuggle up close to him and when he draws me up close, I will pretend that he is comforting me.  Tomorrow is another day....another fresh start.

  • 2:26 am
  • 9 Comments